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Blogs of War reviews Great American Nightmare: “this has been one hell of a good time”

Rob Zombies Great American Nightmare

So, its been open a few days and the people are queuing up to be scared and entertained.  Even the lovely Sheri Moon Zombie posted on her Facebook about how The Lords of Salem haunted house was so bad she “almost went out the sissy door“.  And if Baby says its bad, it may be best to wear a pair of diapers when you guys go through.

Anyway the guys over at Metal Hammer’s Blogs of War, put together this thrill ride review, looking at each of the three main haunted houses and giving an account of what you can expect.

Enjoy! 

Blogs of War: We went to Rob Zombies Great American Nightmare haunted house extravaganza

When we heard that Rob Zombie was putting on a special Halloween extravaganza, featuring no less than three haunted houses, we knew we had to be involved. Sadly, we’re all massive wimps and were far too scared, so we sent Joe Daly to meet his wits’ end instead…

The man standing in front of me is bellowing so violently into my face that I momentarily forget the guy behind me, until he roughly pulls a black hood over my head, hisses into my ear, “You’re fucking done, boy,” and pushes me into the darkness. This is not what I had in mind for a breezy Thursday night on the town…

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

It is the opening night of Rob Zombie’s Great American Nightmare – a sprawling Halloween-themed extravaganza where an army of special effects experts, movie set designers and fiendish creative types have transformed a complex of buildings and courtyards into what promises to be a sphincter-loosening haunted house experience. Against all notions of fear and common sense, we are here to see just how frightening it really is.

Stretched across 150,000 square feet, the Great American Nightmare includes three separate haunted houses, each based on a Rob Zombie-directed film, with high-tech special effects and over a hundred actors ruthlessly indoctrinated in the art of freaking people out. For fifteen nights through November 2, the haunted houses will be open to the public, along with different live music showcases each night, including artists such as Andrew W.K., Butcher Babies, Powerman 5000, .45 Grave and on the final night, Rob Zombie himself, along with the Eagles of Death Metal.

Before entering the first haunted house, we munch on gourmet cupcakes topped with sliced-off human fingers as a parade of actors and musicians pass through the red carpet, including members of Ministry, Attika 7, Fear Factory and cast members from the Walking Dead and the Lords of Salem.

Finally the doors open and a combative hulk of a man in corpsepaint and a black cloak warns us that in this house, hoods will be draped over our heads for the entire experience and that removal of the hoods inside the house will lead not only to immediate rejection, but to our genitals being separated with a dull knife. We shit you not. A bag is then slipped over our head, threats are re-issued and we are pushed into a chilling blackness. The next ten minutes are simply terrifying.

Firecrackers explode behind us, arms poke and pull from every direction and brain-spearing buzzers randomly go off, paring our nerves until they are raw. In near total sensory deprivation, we run our fingers along the wall to guide ourselves until even the wall turns on us, sending piercing electrical currents through our hands. Finally, our dignity having long since entered the annals of history, an undead young woman mercifully pulls us through a door, removes our hood, and for the first time in ten minutes, we breathe.

Moving to the next house, we stare into a pair of long, inflatable legs spread wide, with a coquettish girl in a skimpy yellow costume who lazily drawls, “So, are you ready to enter the biggest pussy of all time?” There is no time for a clumsy retort, as we are shoved into an inflatable ten-foot vagina that ends with a psychedelic anteroom on the other side, where we are given 3D glasses and pushed into a trippy maze of day-glo paintings, zombie girls and monsters popping out of walls. So outlandish and disorienting is this second house that the green, severed head of Adolf Hitler sitting under a glass bowl nearly goes unnoticed.

The third and final house offers an ode to the world’s most notorious serial killers – far and away the most intensely disturbing haunted house we have ever experienced. Each room features an alarmingly graphic portrayal of the handiwork of the aforementioned serial killers, with actors playing the sadistic villains and their grisly victims.

This is no schlock- the level of detail is truly jaw-dropping; in one grotesque backwoods phantasm, a bloody-handed redneck giggles maniacally as he dry humps a disemboweled body hanging from a meat hook in a dilapidated shed, while a pungent, gag-inducing stench of rotting bodies pollutes the air. So thisis what Rob Zombie’s mind looks like…

The final exit is both a massive relief and a great disappointment because apart from the ego-splitting terror and some decidedly unflattering shrieking, this has been one hell of a good time. And hey, it’s not every night that you get chased back to your car by a chainsaw-wielding psychopath.

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